Personal boundaries are important for mental well-being, but they can be set with kindness and empathy. For example, you may set boundaries to ensure you have time for a relaxing morning routine.
A boundary is a line set to help you preserve your integrity, as well as your emotional and physical well-being.
But boundaries look different for everyone, and the way we set them can also be different. Here, we’ll discuss five different types of boundaries and how to set them with kindness.
Some of the hardest boundaries to set are emotional boundaries. These are limits that we set for ourselves to protect our mental health and emotional well-being.
Emotional boundaries involve:
- how we want to be treated and listened to
- what we’re willing to share with others
- the amount of emotional labor we’re willing to take on
For example, you might need to set an emotional boundary if a family member is constantly digging into your insecurities as a “joke.”
How to set emotional boundaries
Some people may not realize they’re pushing your emotional boundaries, but it’s possible to be both kind and firm when setting your limits.
For example, if a friend consistently trauma dumps every time you spend time together, you may consider including some empathy in your response.
You may say, “I know you’re suffering right now and I want to be there for you. But I’m going through my own troubles, and I just don’t have the emotional bandwidth right now to give you the support that you need.”
Sometimes, you may need to set physical boundaries. These could include things like:
- boundaries around sharing personal space
- when you need more physical space to recuperate
- where and how you like (and don’t like) to be touched
Some physical boundaries may feel easier to set than others. For example, it might be easier to tell a stranger not to touch you than to let your partner know that you need some time alone in your private space to rest.
How to set physical boundaries
You can be kind when setting physical boundaries by focusing more on your needs and feelings rather than what the other person is doing wrong.
So, for example, instead of saying, “You’re always following me around the house. Can’t I get just 5 minutes to myself?”
Try saying, “When I get home from a long day, I need time to myself to recharge. So I’m going to spend some time alone in my room.”
Time boundaries relate to limits around how you spend your time. This type of boundary is often relevant in the workspace, where you need to protect your personal time from being consumed by work.
This could include boundaries around when you’ll pick up calls or respond to emails. In your personal life, it could include boundaries around times of day when you’ll be unreachable or time that you need to yourself.
How to set time boundaries
Be both respectful and assertive when setting time boundaries, especially at work.
It’s important to make time boundaries clearly known rather than letting things slide. For example, if your supervisor constantly calls you when you’re off the clock, don’t pick up the calls — but also don’t just ignore them.
You may instead decide to decline the call, and clearly express your boundaries. You may say, “I know that you’re still working, but I clocked out at 5 P.M. I reserve my evening to spend time with my family. I’ll get back to you when I’m back in the office at 9 A.M. tomorrow.”
These boundaries protect your finances and material possessions. You might set a financial boundary with someone who you feel is taking advantage of you financially, like constantly asking for loans.
These types of boundaries are especially relevant with roommates or other household members who you share material things with.
How to set boundaries around materials and finances
Financial and material boundaries can be difficult to maintain because you might feel like you’re being “stingy” or ungenerous. But you have the right to these boundaries, and there are ways to maintain them with kindness.
For example, try saying something like: “I know that you’re in a tough spot, and I’ve been happy to help you out. But I work hard for the money I have, and I need it to pay for things that I need.”
You may also choose to say, “I can no longer afford to lend you money, but I’m happy to discuss other ways I can support you.”
These are boundaries that are essential to you, often in order to maintain your or someone else’s safety.
For example, boundaries to protect against abuse or neglect are nonnegotiable boundaries.
Different people have different non-negotiables when it comes to boundaries. So it may be worthwhile to consider what, exactly, are deal-breakers for you and what limits may need to be set.
How to set boundaries that are nonnegotiable
When a boundary is nonnegotiable, it’s more important for it to be heard than to be delivered kindly. For example, if someone is helping to care for your child, it could help if to:
- explain why it’s so important
- be clear about the specific limits of the boundary
- express what the consequences will be if it’s not respected
You may say, “You may not leave my child home alone when you’re watching them. I know that was common when you were a child, but we now know that children can hurt themselves even when they’re sleeping. If you can’t respect this boundary, then you’ll no longer be able to spend time alone with your grandchild.”
Even when you set boundaries kindly and firmly, there may still be times when they’re disrespected. Research shows that having your boundaries disrespected can lead to significant negative effects.
For example, having an unhealthy work-life balance due to a lack of time boundaries
It can be aggravating when your boundaries get crossed, but there are ways to cope with it and stay firm.
Consider the following tips:
- Stay consistent: When your boundaries are crossed, restate them clearly and calmly. Repetition reinforces that your boundaries are important.
- Don’t be afraid to enforce consequences: If someone continually crosses your boundaries, it’s okay to follow through on the consequences you’ve already outlined.
- Prioritize your well-being: Setting boundaries is about protecting your peace. It’s OK if doing so makes others uncomfortable at times. It’s essential to become comfortable with sometimes making others uncomfortable.
- Know when to walk away: If someone refuses to respect your boundaries, you may need to distance yourself from them. This can be a personal decision, so it’s helpful to talk through it with a therapist.
- Seek support if needed: Talking with a trusted friend, therapist, or mentor can help you navigate difficult situations involving boundary violations.
Having strong boundaries can be an essential part of maintaining your mental health. But that doesn’t mean you can’t be kind and empathetic while reinforcing them.
It’s possible to protect your peace and offer support at the same time, but if your boundaries consistently get crossed, it may be time to be more firm.