A controlling partner is likely to use manipulation tactics that may affect your self-perception and invalidate how you feel. For example, they may avoid accountability by focusing the blame on you.

Not all controlling partners behave in the same way. For example, controlling behaviors may be subtle or crop up gradually, which may impact your ability to identify how they subtly integrate into your relationship.

Although the control may be obvious when your partner explicitly asks you to behave in certain ways, some manipulation tactics and subtler controlling ways might lead you to feel confused and overwhelmed.

Learning some of the signs of a controlling partner may help you make an informed and safe decision about your relationship.

A controlling romantic partner may try to prevent you from living your life as you typically would. They might:

  • try to control your finances
  • pressure you to stay at a certain weight
  • tell you when you can go to work or school
  • hide your school or work materials from you
  • prevent you from getting medical care or seeing a therapist
  • tell you what you can wear or how you should wear your hair

A controlling partner may also show this tendency in everyday situations. For example, they could:

  • check what you just got out of the fridge
  • supervise what you buy at the grocery store
  • always ask you about your conversations when you hang up the phone

There’s a blurry line between attentiveness and pressure. But it may be the latter if your partner routinely makes decisions for you.

Perhaps they always insist on driving you everywhere, or they hog time in your schedule.

They may also make arrangements with your friends without asking you first or redecorate only according to their taste.

If they disagree with the way you dress, they might verbally express these thoughts or try to slowly change your wardrobe by buying specific outfits as gifts to you.

Caring for you isn’t the same as controlling you, though sometimes it may be difficult for you to tell them apart.

A partner may be overprotective if they question who you’ve gone out with, get upset if you don’t answer a phone call right away, or act jealous of your friends and family.

A controlling partner may also be on top of your medical appointments, draw a special diet for you, or advise you against a co-worker they don’t like.

Any of these behaviors on their own might not mean anything in particular. But if your partner or spouse repeatedly acts this way and won’t take your interests, needs, and opinions into account, they might be trying to control you.

A controlling partner may demand to see your recent chat history, or they may read your diary while you’re at work. They may also constantly ask what you’re thinking or how you’re feeling.

They may monitor your activity, like following you in their car, watching how many steps you take on Fitbit, or keeping track of what you’re doing through social media or searching on Google.

They may also ask for your passwords and present it as “if you have nothing to hide, why wouldn’t I have those?” You have the right to your privacy, and demanding you don’t is a sign of a controlling partner.

A person with controlling behavior may have a hard time taking responsibility for their actions.

You may confront your partner, only to find that they’ve somehow turned it back around on you. You may even find yourself apologizing for something you didn’t know you needed to be sorry for.

For example, let’s say you’ve been texting your close friend about difficulties in your relationship. While you’re in the shower, your partner reads the private messages on your phone, then gets mad at you for what they saw.

Instead of admitting that they invaded your privacy in the first place, they might shift the blame to you in order to avoid responsibility for their choices.

Criticism can look like making jokes about you in front of other people, disparaging the way you dress, or always pointing out mistakes. For example, they may point out one place you forgot to shave your legs or a little bit of dust you forgot to clean on the floor.

Over time, constant criticism may erode your sense of self-confidence and lead you to act in certain ways to avoid being criticized.

Isolating behavior can be subtle, like tuning out the conversation when you share stories about other people or giving you an eye roll when you answer phone calls.

It can also be more overt. For example, your partner may complain about how much time you spend with other people, like friends or family. They may even act in certain ways that create friction when your friends or family are around.

In an attempt to isolate you or control what you do with your time, they may use manipulation tactics that convey a need to choose between your romantic relationship or platonic and familial relationships.

For example, your partner may give you the silent treatment whenever you choose to spend time with someone else.

The term “gaslight” is inspired by the 1944 film of the same name. In it, a husband slowly leads his wife to believe she’s losing her mind by doing things like dimming the gaslights and then pretending that he didn’t.

A controlling partner may try to gaslight you by downplaying an experience, like an angry outburst, and then accusing you of being overly sensitive. They may also say something hurtful, then follow it up with, “It was just a joke. You’re being dramatic.”

They may even deny saying things, lie to you, or tell you that your gut instinct is wrong. At times, they may even ask you to seek help, saying that you’re losing your grip on reality.

If you say “no” to something, a controlling partner may try to talk you out of it. This can look like pressuring you to change your mind or arguing with you about why you’re wrong.

For example, if you set physical boundaries and communicate that you’re unavailable to spend time with them, but they still show up to your house invited, this could indicate a disregard toward your needs.

If you notice signs of controlling behavior in your partner, setting clear boundaries and communicating how you feel may help you develop a sense of safety.

It may take time to set and maintain personal boundaries, but it could be helpful to try techniques that support having direct and honest communication. You may consider practicing techniques such as:

  • “I” statements: For example, “I feel uncomfortable when…”
  • Assertive communication: Practicing assertiveness could improve your well-being. It involves compassionately expressing your boundaries without putting your needs last.
  • Negotiation with compassion: Having open communication with your partner may help you find a middle ground that still prioritizes your needs. You may acknowledge how they feel while also acknowledging what’s important to you outside of the relationship. If you need time to process your thoughts, consider asking for time to clearly communicate what you’re thinking and feeling
  • Prioritize social support from others: Keeping in touch with friends and loved ones may help you nurture the relationships that sustain your well-being.
  • Reach out to a mental health professional: They can offer guidance about the particulars of your situation. If you believe your partner is willing to put in the effort, invite them to couples therapy to discuss important topics in a safe environment.

A controlling partner may offer you change or make promises about the future. But if they’re not getting the professional help they need, it may be difficult for them to translate those words into actions.

Experiencing controlling behaviors may impact your sense of autonomy. If they continue to disregard your boundaries, try to stand firm in your requests to honor the personal boundaries you’ve set.

According to research from 2023, internalizing the belief that you do not own equal space or equal rights is associated with symptoms of depression and suicidal ideation. The researchers suggested that developing self-respect may be related to experiencing equality and respect from others.

Maintaining self-respect focuses on knowing that you’re worthy and catering to the values that support your well-being. Protecting your boundaries may improve how you view yourself despite external factors that try to compel you to believe you’re unequal to others.

If you feel concerned for your safety, consider creating a safety exit plan. This may involve:

  • Seeking mental health support: You may want to search for local therapists and support groups. If you can’t leave just yet because your safety is at stake, a professional may be able to support you and monitor the situation.
  • Reaching out to someone you trust: Tell close friends or family members, as long as they’re trustworthy. You can also reach out to a spiritual leader, like a pastor or rabbi, if that feels more comfortable.
  • Removing your personal belongings: If you share a home with a controlling partner, consider moving your personal belongings to a safe location a little at a time. If you need to move out all at once, consider asking trusted friends and loved ones for help instead of doing it alone. If you need to leave your things behind until it’s safer to return, consider only taking important documents.
  • Moving to a safe place: Be sure to keep your location secret. If you feel safe, it may be helpful to stay in touch with trusted friends and loved ones who may support you during this time. Stay in a safe place, like a family member’s home, a friend’s spare bedroom, or a shelter in your local area.

If you or someone you know is experiencing domestic violence, you can call the National Domestic Violence Hotline 24 hours a day at 800-799-7233.

The National Domestic Violence Hotline also offers an online chat feature and the option to text by sending “START” to 88788.

The signs of a controlling partner include isolating you from loved ones, criticizing you, giving you the silent treatment, and gaslighting.

Being in a controlling relationship can be confusing and overwhelming, but you don’t have to go through this alone. Help is available.

You will get through this. Take it one day — one moment — at a time.